When we learn that someone close to us has lost a loved one, almost all of us face the same dilemma: what can we say without sounding hollow or inappropriate? The fear of saying the wrong thing often causes people to avoid contact, even though support is needed most at precisely those moments. Below, we offer guidelines to help you express your condolences sincerely, avoiding the awkwardness that can place an additional burden on the grieving person.

Less is more

You do not need a perfect sentence or a philosophical explanation of death. Simple, sincere words like “I am sorry for your loss” or “I am thinking of you” almost always work better than long speeches. At that moment, the grieving person does not need explanations or analysis—they need to feel that they are not alone and that someone cares about them.

Avoid phrases that minimize the loss

Although spoken with good intentions, phrases like “they are in a better place now,” “he was old and had lived a full life,” or “time heals all wounds” often feel dismissive to the grieving person. Such phrases can give the impression that their pain is being downplayed or that they ought to “get over it” more quickly. Instead of trying to find a silver lining to the loss, it is better to simply acknowledge the pain the person is feeling.

Do not compare someone else’s loss to your own

It is natural to want to show understanding through your own experience, but statements like “I know exactly how you feel; I lost… too” can unintentionally shift the focus from the grieving person to yourself. Every loss is unique, and every person experiences it in their own way. It is better to say, “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you,” than to compare situations.

Offer concrete help, not general assistance

The phrase “let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned, but a grieving person often lacks the energy to even think about what they need; consequently, such an offer rarely leads to a request for help. Instead, offer something specific—bring a meal, provide a ride, help with the children, or take on a specific task. A concrete gesture is much easier to accept than an open invitation to figure out and articulate one’s own needs.

Stay present after the funeral

Families usually receive the most support in the days immediately following a death, while calls, messages, and visits naturally taper off over time. Yet, it is precisely then—weeks or months later—that a grieving person often feels the loneliest. A brief message or call a few weeks after the funeral, asking how they are doing or simply sharing a memory of the deceased, can mean just as much—if not more—than expressions of sympathy offered in those first few days.

Listen more than you speak

You do not need to have an answer for every question or a solution for every emotion. Sometimes, the best support is simply being present and listening, without trying to “fix” the situation or immediately offering advice. Allow the person to speak about the deceased, their feelings, or even practical concerns, without feeling they must carefully choose their words so as not to burden you.

Respect individual differences in grieving

People grieve in different ways—some want to talk, others prefer silence; some return to daily routines quickly, while others need much more time. There is no “right” pace for grieving, so avoid comments like “you should be feeling a bit better by now” or “it’s time to move on.” Everyone has the right to their own process, no matter how long it takes.

If you aren’t sure what to say, admit it

Sometimes, the most sincere thing to do is acknowledge your own uncertainty. A phrase like “I don’t know what to say, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you” comes across as much warmer than avoiding contact out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Sincerity and presence almost always outweigh the search for the perfect words.

Expressing condolences is not about finding a magic phrase to ease the pain, but about showing the grieving person that they are not alone. Small gestures of genuine care, patience, and presence—both in the early days and in the months that follow—leave a more lasting impression than any carefully crafted phrase.